Relieving Suffering

Maybe that's it.

I do get a thrill, a visceral jolt when I make people feel better. And it's something that I'm always trying to do. But how would that tie in to an advaidan worldview?

Distance and difference dissolve in That.

That's something I need to ask hsfh about. Dealing with the relative while anchored in the absolute.

Looking up; spiral webs winding down and around me dissolving into a silver fray at my feet. Stretch my arms out and defrock everything that is NOT me. Realization that what is left is not other. I didn't contain it, it shaped me and let me dissolve once again into it.

Tired tonite but pretty amazed at the grace that I've been given in this life. Even to get this far; through pain - of my own making and others; through discovery that the same heart that gave me flight can eviscerate me into the almost worse than dead; through cloistered beliefs and open space of awareness; through talent given and opportunity sacrificed on the altar of Id.

I must admit that this ttsj grace that I've been given seems almost too good to be true. Worries attenuated; for the first time in literally years and years and years, my sleep seems to be effective. I've gone for many nights over the last couple of weeks with 6-6.5 hours, which was never enough before to stop excessive daytime sleepiness. Hell, nothing was - I would get a day or two every month where by some godsend I wasn't falling asleep in meetings or in the commute, but it was never predictable or repeatable. Now, I still feel tired if I don't get a lot of sleep, but not I-have-to-have-a-nap tired. Absolutely fucking amazing to be able to function at this level after so many years.

The fear is that I will either adjust and be back to where I was or worse - think Robert Deniro in sleepers, a bit of hyperbole in the analogy but that's what it would feel like to some degree.

Also fear that I will squander this gift.

I've been here before; if only x was fixed, I would have everything I would need to do y. And then slip into old habits; addictive behaviour; unproductive schedules.

Choice is mine.

And I must remember that relieving suffering starts at a very personal home base.

namaste