Friends and Questions

Just got back from a nice walk with kpio and his dog opsbi.

Just prior to the walk, I was in the tub, watching the ebb and flow of awareness, and being in touch with what I AM.

Interesting, though, to watch what happens when I engage with others. In this case, my I AM disappeared to the background, and the little i am came into the foreground. In this case, 'i am' was:

Intellectually engaged
Wanting to be accepted
Narrowly focused
Contracting
Questioning what I thought i was

Some fear there too. Moving from a place where I know where I am am and where I am coming from to questioning some of that, while I was in the small place.

Hard to put into words.

I am moving out of a self-constricted space that has dominated me for the last 10 years or more, where I was anti-social, contracted, waiting for the SOMETHING the becoming, at whatever level, that would let me engage in social circles from years naught that otherwise frightened me with their legacy and pain. How could I go meet high school friends when I wasn't? Wasn't: musically, personally, or creatively 'there' yet?

And yet, realizing non-dually where I have been along, it was easier, cognitively - let's make that no effort at all - to think of getting together with friends from the past. Realizing that there is no separation, the gap in which fear resided disappeared.

And so, I got together for coffee and a walk. And yet I constricted. Still have a bit of it in the pit of my stomach....

What it was was a piece of me, connecting with him.

As our dialogue went beyond people and memories from the past into pure ideas - Gladwell; change being an absolute; anthropology and population control - the small I dissolved into the idea space. But still limited, looking back in retrospect.

The big I awareness is:

boundary-less
without second
without image
without constriction
without contraction
without small I

And then, the paradox...that out of THAT which can be better described using negatives (not this, not that - like drawing a chair just by outlining the space around the chair that is NOT the chair), everything arises.

THAT cannot be discretely articulated, but can be experienced.

Even that's not accurate. It cannot BE experienced, that would denote going from here to there. It IS experience.

So thanks kpio. The fear and contraction, albeit a day later (this post being finished 24 hours after I started it) help point me back to THAT.

Subject.

namaste

GrIndia

That would be a lexicographical representation of my journey from there to here. Greece to India. Or I guess more accurately from Here to seemingly there to Here.

My memory is shite compared to most people I know - long term memory anyway - short term I can zone in and make it happen. Still I do remember the first book of philosophy I picked up - don't remember the title exactly, maybe it's around here somewhere.

Tish.

Anyways, the large image I have of it - still rings in my head to this day, is the discussion of nothingness and somethingness. Outside inside. All and Not All.

And here, at 42, I'm waking up (it's so hard with language to describe waking up. All descriptions seem to involve division. Waking up - means FROM sleep - that's distance baby, separation, and what we're talking about here is undivided being) and it's tying the knot in a significant way from then to now. Thing is now, there's more of a sparkle to it; a clarity; a coming home; a truth.

There's different ways I can look at it, but it seems to cut through a lot of the chuff. I can still muse about life's purpose, the right meditation technique, the right life I should be living, the right things I should be doing. But, using the razor sword of inquiry, I can slice through all questions and representational musings and look for that which is. And by recognizing that Is-ness, realize that even my pre-awake stage was part of the Is-ness.

I stand before me today, arms raised in sacrifice, to the group in front of me. Many voiced choir - different timbres, postures, abilities; different approaches, beliefs, and attitudes. Many different personalities, awaiting the aha-up-motion of my baton to inhale and ...

start

Hi falsetto from the back left, purity so disengaged from the blemished; so focused and pure; silver needle piercing me front to back, lifting me in a mother's swoon then soaring off into the background. Basso profundo rumbling from the front; a wall of vibration that catches me in the abdomen and heart; dissolving waste and distance; branding Eros then rolling away in salted thunder. Middle voice, but from both sides trying to find center. Straining journey, finding moments of solace and ringing behind the eyes.

And then

The fugue begins. Chords spinning Celtic wonder; flirting with infinity; tightening and expanding; creating and dissolving tension; creating and dissolving distance; sine waves like lovers spooning in closer and releasing into each other; one voice now, one stream of terrible beauty; coring me through center; lifted backward spread eagle; agonizing beauty and tension , then utter release; beyond mind; sex; judgement and distance.

Is

experiencing the

conductor

and the choir

the many

and

the

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