Not-Choosing Predeterministic Runs

A little more leveled than some runs, but there were still enough ups and downs to give one emotionally sore ankles.

The first 13 kilometers were a mottle of beauty and challenge. Towering trees on both sides; sidewalks that should be having identity crises - yes they were utilitarian, but they were also an artist's conception of what a sidewalk COULD BE, spiraling around that tree and this, over the little Grimms' brook then back out roadside.

The challenges seemed to be four fold. Breath, muscle, stomach, feet. All wrapped, held, and dictated by mind.

Easy to deal with when there was just one. Out of breath - you slow down, concentrate on that problem statement, bring the pulse down and the breath follows. Legs burning from the hill but breath ok? Slow down, delve into the bag of tricks, zigzag up, or laterally run up. Stomach - not enough sugar - have some gel. Need a bathroom break - take it. Stomach upset - try and use the mind tricks to get around it. And feet. On the sidewalk, too pebbly - hit the road. Traffic comes, hit the sidewalk.

The problem is when you have more than one problem set to deal with -breath and muscle; foot and stomach. Puts you into a mind space of can't be done, hopelessness, can't meet the goal - ness. Then when you recover, back into ones problem at a time, you're a little weaker for it.

That would be the second most difficult part of the run. More than one problem PLUS - then recovered back into a non-whole, fragmented space.

The MOST difficult would not be to do with pain or the above. It would be the malaise, the can't do it it feeling - some of Dragonsloth's seed in there - but it's an undercurrent, a constant companion on the run, and sometimes even trying to radically accept it / surrender to it just makes it worse Which could indicated that I'm NOT actually accepting it.

It's the feeling of 'can't'. And the main thing, seemingly the only thing that gets me through it is to try and put the feeling into the side view mirror, not directly look at it, and just rely on dumb, strong willpower.

It's the feeling after the first 8 mins when the muscles are burning to warm up. Can't do 3 hours.

It's the feeling up the first hill - burn - can't do a long run.

Those are the short lived spikes, the longer ones are more like subtle body iron maidens, stretching me out and refusing to be resolved with a quick one-off anecdote.

That's when I'm into km 21, finding a pace, looking at the GPS and trudging on. Anesthetized by the Ipod, feeling I'm tired but over the latest hump and then BANG

I'm walking.

Check out David Darling's reference of the researcher that finds that a good deal of our 'conscious' actions seem to be put into play quite a few milliseconds before we are actually aware of 'consciously' deciding to act on them.

Like a predetermined run.

This is what I need to address in the next runs.

Run it slow, but keep running. Through the pain and the grit, and out of the self imposed predeterministic sheath.

Run Ferris run.